It's A Game, You Know

Once upon a time, there was a princess in her castle
She was waiting for her knight.

She waited
     and she waited…
              and she waited.

Then she grew tired of waiting
    and walked out her chamber
           and down her tower
              and out the castle doors

And into the village pub she went
Where she met a wandering minstrel

And he bought her a drink
And she gave him her number.

So the princess went home
To wait for the minstrel’s phone call

She waited
      and she waited…
              and she waited.

Friendzoning Went Well

When we were younger, I liked you.
The kind that friends shouldn’t
    feel for friends.
I always tried to cheer you up.
And for a long while:
    a sem
       a year
          or two
The gazebo was my favorite haunt
    because it was yours.

I knew about your sadness
    though not its source.
I saw the gravity with which you walked
    and I wanted to save you;
    but I knew I could not, should not.
We all rise from each of our own abyss
    and in time, you did.

I’d always scour the boards,
    waiting to see something
        wrought by your hand,
        a child of your mind.

Proof that the myths of creation are true:
    A figure can be molded out of darkness,
    A ray of light can stream from a void,
    That something can spring out of nothing.

I’ve always wanted, hoped
    to tell you
In whatever way or method
    or scheme.
But you needed a friend
More than you needed—well—
    whatever I was doomed to be labelled
    if I spoke, if I took a step,
    if you found out.

So I shut my mouth
    and widened my smile,
    and I slowly let it go.

And now that we are older
I see that I chose well
    in keeping quiet,
    in letting attraction ebb and vanish.

I found a greater love,
You found yourself.

Have no fear in losing a friend, I am still.
Or feel awkward in my presence—
    there is nothing left of that longing
Or think I seek reciprocation—
    I need no such thing.

I write this not with the expectation of an answer,
    nor the fulfillment of a whim,
    nor in preparation for death inevitable,
    nor for sport.

But for the simplest reason there is under our sky—

I thought of you, and I wrote.

by: H. Taotjo, in yet another bout of insomnia. March 25 2014

Staying Strange

So what if I don't fit in? I can have my fairy-tale ending, too.

When I was a little girl, around twenty years ago, I never thought of happily ever afters. This is not my claim to uniqueness or individuality, it’s just the truth and the way I was. For me they were just endings to animated films that I enjoyed and I took them as they were. I had no expectations that I’d meet someone to ride off into the sunset with. Hello…I was six.

Now, I’m looking at these fairy tales a little bit closer, because I want my happy ending, I want my magic carpet ride, I want my waltz-on-water moment. And I don’t want it “in the foreseeable future”, I want it NOW.

Now.

So what does it take to get those? I grew up with The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Mulan and Beauty & The Beast, so if these are the love stories I want then the recipe that I should follow would be:

1. A strange, awkward girl who does not fit in and has no intentions of fitting in because really, it’s fun to be weird. Has dreams beyond the confines of her current village or kingdom, and the constant thought that’s nagging her is “There has to be something more to this" - Status: DONE. Ako na yun! I may not be a princess or a warrior, and I don’t have a tail. But if you’re looking for social awkwardness and restlessness then, baby, I’m your girl.
2. An equally strange pet like a sardonic tiger, a lucky cricket, a horse with no sense of direction, a talking fish, a Rastafarian crab. - Status: WORK IN PROGRESS. I have to go bag Spiderman.
3. People who treat her like a social pariah because she’s not one of them and she’ll never be. They try to change her to conform to their standards of acceptability, but they gave up the fight because her nose is always in a book or she’s always running off somewhere else to be free - Status: DONE. I think this is why I have so few friends, and no one sits next to me in trainings. Or am I just really unfriendly? Inappropriate? Ah, bahala na…CHECK!
4. An occasion for upheaval, for stepping out of comfort zones and going on an adventure. Status: NOT STARTED What do you think guys? A trip to Bali, ala-Eat, Pray, Love? Joining the Philippine Army? Violin lessons? Karate classes? Solo road trip?
5. A man who isn’t looking for love, who’s focused on his career as a goofy pickpocket or army lieutenant or antisocial-master-of-the-house. I don’t really know what Prince Eric’s job is, but whatever it is, it involves having a good time with the boys on-board a ship. Basically a guy with his own plans, his own dreams and his own life. Status: NOT STARTED. But let’s clarify—straight, single men. Right now there’s no one who fits this very simple criteria.

I still believe in happily ever after, because I came so close to have mine. It’s my fault that I lost it. But I know it exists, it’s out there.

Trust me.